SWANSEA CITY MATCH REPORT

A resurgent Leon Osman performance where he worked his tiny little bollocks off for 90 minutes then got a winner was enough for Everton to sneak past the polite footballing institution that is Swansea City. Certainly their team and their ethos is anyway. Their fans are thoroughbred fucking melts: ''WERE SWANSEA CITY, WE'LL SING ON OUR OWWWWWN''. Sound.



It wasn't all smiles throughout. David Moyes persisted with a system which he doesn't really have the personell for. The damage limitation mentality of his 4-5-1 line-ups continued to exasperate up until Osman broke the dead lock after an hour and thank fudge he did. Although it wasn't our worst performance of the season and the gulf in class of players like Drenthe, Fellaini and Osman finally told, it was much of the same huffing and puffing until we eventually got the break through. It has to be said that more clinical and less forgiving sides would have probably got the first goal last night, until we eventually applied our now predictable chase the game tactics. But enough of that, we got the first and a wins a wins a win and you take what you can get in our position now.



The goal itself, a lovely Lawrie Sanchez-esque glancing header at the park end, came from a wicked cross from Royston Drenthe, the Dutchman was at the heart of pretty much everything we did well all night actually. If we can...*ahem*... keep him fit and firing and introduce more pace with Landon Donavan coming in, then things will surely start looking up in the New Year, two pacey wingers for EFC and hopefully a new striker in the transfer window? NURSE! Tony Hibbert put in yet another flawless display, he has his critics but he is undroppable at the moment. Marouanne Fellaini pushed and bullied his way through their midfield and managed to break down most of Swansea's impressive passing game before it hurt us. It's little Leon Osman though who deserve's most of the plaudits.



Its weird to think he's now 30, he seems to have been around for eons yet continues to look about 14. Two important back to back goals just goes to show how much we still come to rely on him, without in some ways appreciating it as much as we probably should. Its been said before, but his close control and link play is absolutely superb and can really make Moyes teams tick, certainly when he is off the pace a bit we seem to struggle, as has been the case in recent weeks. He seems to be back though and that can only be a good thing for Everton and our chances of improving on what up until this point has been a season completely devoid of anything to get excited about. A lucky win at Ewood Park? A sneaky late win at Craven Cottage? Do me a fucking favour.

So then, lets break out the Eggnog, cheer up a bit and look forward to a late Cahill winner coming on as sub against Sunderland.

Happy Christmas Blues and Up the Toffs!

SWANSEA CITY PREVIEW

The Swans arrive at Goodison this evening for a rather bizarre midweek festive frosty 6 pointer, is it ok to call it that yet? Meanwhile, over in Shelbyville, Shanklys Peoples Front of Jehovah continue to flog themselves with their keyboards in an act of apologist solidarity with a Racist. A (now edited) club statement asking people to consider that he has black lineage, mates and past colleagues was released moments after the verdict was delivered. In an act so LFC it is nigh on impossible to parody their behaviour any more, they also petulantly went on to claim that the judgement was based purely on a United players saying so, completely ignoring the fact the player admitted to calling him what he was accused of. Still, as long as King Kenny can tweet: ''He wont walk alone'' and their lawyers can prove it wasn't said in pejorative sense, there's always room for a reprieve where LFC are concerned. You can almost here the teeth gnashing, the banners unfurling and the feet stomping on Breck Road already.



Brendan Rogers understandably after getting his side to the top table playing a nice brand of footy has found it much more difficult this term against better opposition and much less forgiving defences. Swansea and Everton have both pitifully only found the net 16 times this season so its best not to expect a high scoring game. You never know though, Straqualursi may start alongside Saha and brush these pretenders aside and begin to fire us through Christmas. Ahem... Seriously though, Norwich came along and all the talk was about them trying to keep it on the floor, playing football and look what happened there, we just cannot fucking score and are far too predictable. We need to play a direct game against these, impose ourselves and get right up their little Welsh arses like Blackburn did, or something.



Stand Everton! Beware of the infamous Swansea City Soul Crew enjoying their much to be expected brief jaunt in the limelight and running us all the past the Oak, Chong Hing and Maccies in a fit of ecstatic violence after recording their first ever win against us in any competition. Thats right, they arrive after not winning away in the top flight since the early eighties and after never beating us ever ever ever....*gulp*. We all know what happens here dont we?

      

As ever, our line up tonight will immediately dictate what mood the crowd will be in and what will undoubtedly unfold on the pitch. Its just that predictable. How about rather than chasing a game for what would feel like the 15th time this season, we just go for it from the off and pick two strikers and players who look to be hungry/in form and drop players with fragile confidence. Losing tonight could be genuinely catastrophic for confidence on and off the terraces. Over to you Davey...

Up the Toffs.

NORWICH MATCH REPORT

For probably the fourth time this season and were not even half way yet, Everton failed to take all 3 points against a side you have to be taking maximum points off if you have aspirations of a top half finish, never mind European football. Although we managed to impose ourselves against Norwich throughout and clearly look the better side, our stark impotence up top is continuing to hinder the team in its most winnable fixtures. Until a late late show of old fashioned centre forwarding from Denis Straqulursi and an injection of pace, purpose and power from recently benched Royston Drenthe, Norwich didnt look the slightest bit arsed.

 Zack Whitbread, look in the dictionary under ''Hank'' etc etc

In truth, ex Everton keeper John Ruddy, who looks quite a prospect these days, he's no Jan Mucha like, had a very good day and the players can be excused in the main for what can in the most part be deemed a slight improvement on previous home performances. The Norwich goal came from Grant Holt criminally being allowed to swivel in front of John Heitinga and slot nonchalantly at the back post.



Osman certainly looked a lot brighter than he has recently, his tireless probing and link play was a lot more like what we've come to expect from him. Phil Neville and Tony Hibbert both put a terrific shifts in also. It was two other of 'Moyes favourites' that left you more concerned. Tim Cahill in particular had another painfully laborious afternoon and his substitution with around half an hour to go had a very un-Moyes watershed feel about it. I couldn't see from the park end but it is said that he stormed down the tunnel and wasnt happy about this at all.



You do feel he just needs a goal, but the timing with just 60 minutes on the clock and the fact that Straqualursi, a player almost openly laughed at by some dickheads, probably the same ones who implore Tony Hibbert to ''SHOOOOOT'' when in his own half, came on and made a big difference in getting our equaliser, this may see an upturn or downturn in his performances. You would fully expect Cahill to bounce back somehow and if he did throw a hissy fit, to approach Moyes professionally and apologise, that's the type of player he is, either way though he is currently better out of the side than in it. Which is just as bad for Everton as it is for himself.



Now onto Louis Saha. The lad (and the manager) cant help him being the single most gifted centre forward at the club and having to start most weeks. But having to rely on this steam souled gallic shrug puller to get you through a striking crisis is akin to going into a fight to the death Light Sabre duel versus Darth Vader clutching single strand of raw Linguine. The lazy apthetic fart. God speed January and the arrival of our Landon.



Royston Drenthe came on with 19 minutes to go and within that time he not only pulled the team out the shite, but he managed to do what the entire team hasnt managed to do before the kick off for almost 200 minutes. Have a fucking go. You can see he's a bit of a ''charecter'' and possibly even a bit of a wacky tit at times. But fuck me if David Moyes and his press gang release any more statements about his work rate or even leave him on the bench for fear of him ''not doing his defensive duties'' they can basically just fuck off for good. The equaliser coming from a deft Osman tap in from one of the dutchmans run and shots was a huge relief and a clear indication of everything that this team lacks. His carbon copy a few minutes later that John Ruddy and his forearms knew almost fuck all as it wobbled in the air after being categorically ''webbed'' was not only very unlucky not to go in, but served as a clear slap in the face to people who have doubted him so far.

Unfortunately the winner wasnt to come, but you couldnt fault most of the players effort for trying to find one and there were some positives to take from the game, in the main that we were distinctly more dangerous with two centre forwards on the pitch at home and that that little dutch lad is a bit handy. How long will/can this be ignored?

Swansea up next midweek, who concede fuck all at home, but are known to ship in all kinds in when away.

Yikes! Up the Toffees.

NORWICH PREVIEW

Landon Donavan, the face of Saccur to a nation of more than 300 million people, teased Everton fans early yesterday and tweeted ''Once a Toffee, Always a Toffee...''. Speculation was at fever pitch and flustered web nerds had only just had time to readjust their spectacles when club sources confirmed it to be true late last night. Landon is leaving Los Angeles for L4, leaving the west coast for Walton. The absolute fucking maniac.



Like a feature length Shane Meadows 80's film though, the whole arrangement sort of leaves you cold and wanting more. Sure, the undoubted quality is there and not to be sniffed, snorted or scoffed at, but any chance of a bit of an explanation Landon/Shane? Love your work and that lads but where does it all end?? Everton will undoubtedly need all the experience, pace and positivity that someone like the Donavan brings for the 9 games he is available. But its a bit like being a homeless over the festive period, somebody walking over to your doorway shelter on Christmas day with a steaming hot Roast Dinner and asking ''are you hungry mate?'', fighting back the salivation in your chops you whimper ''yes'' gratefully. Then, with frost infused tears hardening on your cheeks the purveyor of said dinner slams two red hot gravy coated Sprouts into your mouth and walks off scoffing the rest and asking you to be grateful for their Yuletide charity. Talk about little victories.



Norwich then, the high flying Canaries, annoyingly fluttering just above Everton after two impressive wins versus Newcastle and QPR recently. This would be a handy little victory if the blues can pull it off. Everybody's sure fire relegation candidates alongside Swansea who come to Goodison next Wednesday could give all Evertonians the festive cheer they need going into the congested fixture u-bend that is Christmas and New Year.



Paul Lambert's side will supposedly come and try and play football on Saturday, which is nice. But Everton would do well to take heed of how they got past Newcastle last week with some direct football and smattering of good old fashioned 'aerial fire-power'. It'd also be nice not to have to think about what the mighty Norwich will come and try and do to us and just impose ourselves on them relentlessly for 90 minutes. But such is the stale nature and fragile confidence of Moyes team just now, its needs fucking must.



The club issued a piss poor statement on Drenthe's injury finally, fundamentally saying he hasn't fallen out with anybody at the club, his ankles a little bit goosed, but he needs to work harder to prove he's worth a deal. He should just personally courier a video of Bilyaletdinovs stand in role for the 3 games he's been out to Moyes on Christmas morning, that should do the trick.

Other than that, the likelihood is that we will see much of the same going into this match, with one up front on their own, most likely Saha. Barkley seems to have self combusted, Vellios has come back down to earth after people having him down as a latter day John Charles and Conor McAleeny still hasnt felt a womans bare breast. So will we take advantage of the so called lesser beings that are Nowrich City, then go on and trample Swansea City next week in a similar feat of old fashioned chivalrous ruthlessness? God only knows.

Up the Toffees.

ARSENAL MATCH REPORT

An absolutely exquisite, unstoppable volley by Robin Van Persie, a piece of skill and unpredictability that Evertonians can only dream of at the moment, somewhat reminiscent of that other scorcher he got against Charlton a few years back was all that could separate two teams at opposite ends of the form table. Jagielka wasnt at fault either, it was a peach of a ball in behind him. GOALSTRIKE!



Arsenal fans whinge on about not spending like the other big bullies in the Premier league playground all the time, but one glance at their team sheet on Saturday afternoon identified a squad chock full of international stars they had brought in for very good money. Mertesacker, Vermalaen,  Gervinho, it was one time Everton target Aaron Ramsey who was the pick of the bunch though. Just what would we do for his industry coupled with that youthful enthusiasm these days? ''turn him into a crab'' I here you say? Never. Lets not even start about the ludicrous pace they have down the wings in Theo Walcott. Pace....Whoosh!



Arsenal had the lions share of the opening exchanges as once again Everton struggled to muster up so much of a shot on target, that might be two games now? Ex Everton heart throb Mikel Arteta received a nice reception from the visiting fans and responded by effortlessly sliding in the jet heeled Walcott only for him to be denied by some stout defending by Tony Hibbert and latterly Tim Howard.



Much was made in the second half of a tactical decision on 65 minutes to bring lone centre forward Louis Saha off for centre back Sylvain Distin and moving John Heitinga and Marouanne Fellaini further upfield, people were implying (possibly over simplistically?) that it was negative change to make. The thing that was roundly ignored at this point was that apart from Van Persie's one part Van Basten one part Bergkamp wonder strike not long after the change, it resulted in Evertons most sustained period of pressure on the home side and we could of nicked a point. Whether that says more about our strikers than it does our manager and his outlook im unsure.



Magaye Gueye came on in the closing stages and had a bit of a go as did mini marvel Conor McAleny making his senior debut. McAleny almost made a mockery of another Louis Saha no show by rasping a 30 yard volley close by Szczesny's goal after only being on the pitch for 10 minutes. And that was it. Another depressing defeat to add to the festive pile that has already built up this season under the Goodison tree. Eight losses, Five wins, One draw. Not fucking good enough. Still Ross Barkley signed a new contract. Remember him?

ARSENAL PREVIEW

Is it a pre requisite these days for managers of the rich football clubs in this country to be a whopping great ballbag who blindly goes round protecting their investment? As a young-ish Evertonian, it has been said on these here pages before that i failed to see what all the fuss was about when Kenny Dalglish came back to those tits as manager. He seemed to be somewhat a breath of fresh air compared to two recentish lunatics who had preceded him in that most hateful of hot seats. The older blues around me spoke with caution... ''just you wait, he's one delusional get him, you'll see'' seemed to be the mantra.

    

King Kenneths DVD-gate this week, where he asked for a screen to be lowered to show a film to all present at his press conference, just how much ickle Luis Suarez is misunderstood and indeed is the victim not the perpetrator of not getting enough protection from referees, is as preposterous as it is hugely comical. Looks like Castle Greyskull is working its magic again, the fucking mad man. Another one of our games most shameless eeker outer of advantages and blind as bat Gallic twat Arsene Wenger, goes head to head with David Moyes and Everton this weekend in the capital. Not the best timing admittedly.

 Turd no.1

Arsenal, unlike high flying City and United advanced into the last 16 of the Champions League this week. They are also are said to be stuttering a bit at present and find themselves in 5th place, the poor lambs. Outside of the precious champions league positions for next season, but more significantly below their most bitter and now better football playing rivals, Tottenham Hotspur. Ooooh does it grate Gunners? Does it?  ''You'rrrrrrre the shit in North London'' as you both perversely and inversely like to remind us when up on Merseyside. Arrogant kopites of the south twats. Even their young 'English' players like Jack Wilshere and Emmanuel Frimpong seemed to have had that pitiful continental sense of injustice seamlessly instilled into their games by Arsenal or more acutely Arsene Wengers youth system. Thus making them both hateful stinking little turds.

 Turd no.2

What of those marvellous boys in blue? In truth the games come at a ball achingly crap time for us, a loss on the back of the Stoke debacle is not only likely, but yet another kick in the nethers for players and fans alike. Just when we thought we had got going etc etc a game at The Emirates pops up. Leon Osman and Jack Rodwell are said to be missing. We probably could have done with both of them in and about the starting 11. Well, we just don't need injuries really. We cant afford them when the manager is falling out with fast, goalscoring loanee's anyway. The Stoke debacle needs to be put to one side and a fresh approach put forward by the man in charge. Im just not sure whether a repeat of the Chelsea away mentality can be stomached by most weary blues again, not to mention the poor fuckers who've forked out to probably watch us go down 1-0 away from home in gale force winds, probably to an Arteta penalty too. The handsome looks like he's been there all his life little bugger. One things for sure, id like to see a bit of leadership on the pitch. It was sorely lacking at home to Stoke City. If Saha and the mysterious Drenthe are available...

Id go;

------------------------Howard------------------------

Neville---------Heitinga----------Distin----------Baines

------------------------Fellaini--------------------------

------Coleman---------Cahill--------Drenthe-----------

-------------Barkley------------------------------------

-----------------------Saha-----------------------------

Either way, its gonna be a watch through your fingers job and hope for a break going our way. This is what its come down to unfortunately. As our Captain Phil 'Fartbag'Jagielka has just said: no money, no talent, no chance. The fact that were more predictable than a Liverpool managers meltdown these days is immaterial. So it just leaves us to say:

BONNE CHANCE CARAMEL AU BEURRE'S!

STOKE MATCH REPORT

Its hard enough trying to out manoeuvre Stoke City at the best of times, such is their propensity to kick the living frigging daylights of you for 90 minutes, but when you couple that with a bloated faced bent twat of a referee giving them protection to do so, you may as well pack up your stuff, fuck off home and put Strictly or X Factor on depending on which part of Camp Rainbow you inhabit. Im a Strictly MAN.



Moyes was right, there was loads of huffing and puffing. Not just on the pitch either, there is a large section of supporters becoming increasingly frustrated at the paper thin size of his squad and his inability not to change his rigourously defensive system, not to mention falling out with players when he cant really afford to. Saha pulled out without a whisper before hand too. How many fucking times does that happen? No mention of an injury in the week then mysteriously disappears when you need him most.



Robert Huth, an enormous Aryan Germanic cheat, nowt more, grabbed the only goal(and chance?) of the game to give the visitors all three points on a day were football just wasn't on the agenda. Stoke manhandled, time wasted and cheated their way through 90 minutes and we just looked like well...11 North Korean table tennis players asked to play 'Soccer' together for the first time, not a jar of glue throughout, totally devoid of any inspiration or creativity. I cant be sure, but I think Lee Mason might have been having his own little game of seeing whether he could out do his last inexplicable decision by giving another one twice as bad as the last. The first time he gave Everton anything was on 90 minutes when he offered us 7 minutes to sort our shit out. Did we respond? Did we shite.

 Dean Whitehead, with your bonce like genetically modified Egg Plant. Cunt.

Too many senior players are under performing and feel safe with their place in the side. Cahill, Osman, Jagielka. We look scarily thin up front and dont have a bean to sort it out, Vellios not good enough, neither is Straqulursi, Saha can just fuck off. Our manager continues rigidly to stick by a system that doesnt suit our position or the tools(sic) at our disposal. It is just completely soul sappingly laborious shite in virtually every encounter week in week out and something seriously needs to give.

On a day were we should have been inspired by a man and a player like Gary Speed, we truly let ourselves down. The club and its fans and indeed Gary Speeds family didnt, inside and outside the ground during and afterwards everybody that was there saw and experienced something that will live with them for a for a long, time. Well done to all involved.