Aston Villa Preview

Ey Oop Skip! Aston Villa and/or Gerard Houllier depending on who you listen to, come to town this weekend sitting a point above the relegation places and scrapping for their Premiership survival. Some twerp named 'Dale', 'Scott' or possibly even 'Lee' or 'Dean' turned his Burberry cap backwards, was careful not to trip over his three quarter length parka and unfurled an encouraging bed sheet over The Holte End, letting the frenchman know exactly what he thought of his reign thus far. Especially after their so called lesser midland rivals came and embaressed them so easily with a Mick McCarthy inspired lesson in football. He loves a good banner does arrr Ged:
 

It's weird actually, previous to Villa when Houla Hoop was managing the shite, some of the 24 carrot gold corkers he came out with regularly never ceased to amaze you. Robbie Fowlers ''eating grass immitating Rigobert Song'' being the obvious stand out jewel in that particular borderline racist crown. It's further proof that managing that shower of twats for a prolonged period of time turns you into an inept, delusional, gibbering mentalist. Apart from that though, it was quite something to realise that after the waterfall of diaorrhea that flowed from Houlliers piehole, the world and Evertonians in particular then had to deal with a veritable Tsunami of Turd from his big fat ungracious successor.  The below formula theorises further on this...

  +   =  ?

Lets be honest, its difficult to like Villa at the best of times with their Glory Pig, lording it over the rest of the midlands, snooty European Cup stance their fans like to take(sound familiar?), but since Houllier's been in charge of them, you have to say he's been far more Woy than Waffa in his managerial outpourings. He must have mellowed, the daft arl get. Its hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem has been since he arrived at Villa park in the summer. All ex kopite abuse aside, his mangerial record of six shiny pots in professional football cant mask a complete lack of tactical know-how, can it? He surely has something about him, doesnt he? Didnt he also teach in Allsop High School in Liverpool at one stage? How does that happen? So many questions...he's a big gallic conundrum with a Beret on and Onions round his neck is Ged.

     
   (scousest looking player alive)           (Emporor of Snide)    (should star in The Cosby Show)

Ultimately, after the ever forgettable win over Fulham taking us to that mythical holy grail of 40 points, Villa have far more to play for than Everton this weekend and with their pacy strikeforce and an impressive recent record at Goodison, this has the potential to be added to an ever growing gallery of utter shockers we've conjured up this season at home. How many of our players must now be casting envious glances at Louis Saha and his ascersion that ''it's highly likely he wont play again this season...''? They absolutely cannot wait to get their Havianas on, all of them.

Darren Bent (who was offered to us for frig all whilst Joe Royle was at Ipswich) continues to bang them in for club and country and frustrate the living shite out of every Evertonian, imagining him fitting perfectly into Moyes much preferred one up front style of play for the last decade. Saying that, we'd of sold him to City for 20 million sovs in 2005, so it makes no odds really.

Everton have Coleman and Rodwell as doubts and are still missing the long term casualties of the last few weeks. Tim Cahill should be fit though and he loves playing these. Tony Hibbert also celebrates ten years of 'playing' for the blues this weekend. Whilst never being his biggest fan, his performance versus Fulham was excellent (particularly his two blockbuster tackles) so he will almost definitely start. It is testament to a lad who's always ran through brick walls for the club that he's still about competeing after ten years service. Remember him sat alongside Rooney politely at that table all those years ago signing a contract extension? Talk about polar opposites in terms of their respective private lives and treatment of their boyhood team, not to mention football ability. Expect ludcirous amounts of cash being lumped on him again to slot.



Go on Tone, it'll make this whole shitstorm of a season worth it. Up the Toffs...

Everton 2 - Fulham 1

If ever we need three easy points or just for a team to come to Everton and lazily remove their negligée, bare their cockney bottoms and eagerly invite us to complete a formality, its Fulham, charming, friendly, hoorah Henrietta Fulham. Unbelievably they have now lost their last 18 league meetings at Goodison park and havent taken a point off us since the fifties. Cheers West London.

Leon Osman continued where he left off against Birmingham City, took the initiative and led the cottagers, an appropriate nickname if ever there was one, a merry dance along with Leighton Baines and Seamus Coleman in front of a late afternoon, boozy, near full (f it wasnt for the ever pitiful 74 away fan following) Goodison. Excitement levels failed to get beyond 'not even remotely arsed' for near 90 minutes really, but all this seemed to be enough to stave off a late Bobby Zamora inspired ''oooh stop it youuu!'' playful slap of a fightback for the last 20 minutes or so of the game. The bad floozy's.



Osman and Baines combining well throughout, teased Fulham apart for the opener, Osman in particular twice dropping his shoulder ala an AC Milan Ruud Gullit and leaving the woolish Danny Murphy doing Karate Kid impressions at thin air, then Seamus Coleman, a consistent threat to Fulhams left hand side, managed to get his loveable Irish Turnip right onto the end of Osmans inch perfect ball. We do love a good header at L4 4EL. 1-0 Toffeemen, meh...



Louis Saha, continuing to spend most of his afternoons doing his 'left footed jink in a circle until ive slowed the play down sufficiently and my third or fourth option becomes available for a pass' routine, limped off in the second half with what looks like a really nasty ankle injury. Before doing so though, he doubled Evertons lead and lashed in a rasping daisy cutter of a free kick right between Danny Murphy legs and into the park end net. Take note Jermaine, this is what we expect of you now Louis has pencilled his and his birds leave in for the summer holidays, and the fact that you're now our only fit out and out centre forward.



Clint Dempsey, who makes David Moyes blush every time he see's him, due to the Scots probable wet dreams of seeing him play under him (ooh fucking err) in Royal Blue one day, pulled one back for Fulham after latching onto Zamora's first touch of the ball. He does have the look of a Moyes player though does Dempsey, hard-working, durable, technically competent, the right age, American. If Moyes wants to, or is given (if Pat Nevin and his best known secret are to be believed) a chance to rip it up and start it all again, should he not be given batty money like City and Liverpool owners have when they arrived, players like Dempsey wouldnt be a bad place to start at all. No Rapping though eh Clint? You fucking tube.

All in all though, as always it was too little too late from Fulham as Everton had already blown their collective bukakking biscuits all over Fulhams willing and submissive Goodison park record, again.

Up the frigging Toffs.

FOOD and 1-1 versus Brum - The Decemberists(Manchester Academy) - Iron and Wine(The Philharmonic) -

Being a bit of a social butterfly(fuck off you twat), my diary was quite literally overflowing with the three biggest 'must do' events in the North West last week. Portland Oregons finest folkies The Decemberists playing the Manchester Academy, Sam Beam who is Iron and Wine playing the acoustically superb Liverpool Philharmonic and Waltons Everton playing host to Birmingham City at Goodison.

Maybe im getting old, but three nights involving ale at the arse end of a week is getting harder to handle, i used to lose weeks of my life in my youth, swinging between various hostelries from rafter to rafter like a modern day chemical fuelled urban tarzan. Now if i get into bed after midnight, with a workday looming, it sets in Harikari levels of clinical depression.

Curry, Rice and Chips(with a massive Deep Fried Cod on top) from the Chong Hing then nipping up to The Selwyn for a few swift Guinesses was the first thing ticked out of this socialites imaginary diary, Carrie Bradshaw has got absolutely fuck all on me .What followed this glamorous pre game routine was another frustrating home draw for Moyes and his men at home. The moment Mikel Arteta accelerated down the wing in the opening exchanges and pulled up holding the back of his leg, firstly there was an audible collective gasp from half the crowd muttering ''Oh fuck, thats his hamstring...'', with the other smart-arse half(me) immediately adding  ''six weeks that...'', secondly after his display v Newcastle you knew we would struggle to break down a scrapping for their lives Birmingham City.



Beausejour had got in front of Tony Hibbert on 17 minutes to put the visitors in front, yet another goal conceded at home before we manage to take advantage of our early dominance in games. Three things were remarkbly satisfying about this otherwise dissappointing game; Tony Hibberts two laser guided pin point sliding tackles were both worth the admittance fee alone, Leon Osman assuming the creative responsibility when Arteta went off and running his tiny bollocks into the ground for 90 minutes and Johnny Heitingas inch perfect youTube rip snorter at the park end. Other than that it was a bit shit really, with Beckfords questionable substituion for Anichebe rather than the labouring Louis Saha, being the only other remotely interesting thing to debate. Suffice to say it was the right result, but Moyes is a comedian if he thinks he can get this team playing within themselves into Europe. One win against the bottom eight in the table this season speaks for itself.

Bedtime -11:45.



Biting into a quite frankly superb Pork Schnitzel burger in the Kro Bar opposite the academy last thursday it was hard to know what to expect from The Decemberists, either way the burger sided with chunky chips was going to be a hard act to follow. Taking up residence in the posh bit on the balcony with our own personal stools(i did say i was getting old), a quirky voice over encouraged everybody to introduce themselves from the off and basically get on board for a fun, friendly and respectful night of folk americana. Bar one broad accented manc wag telling them to ''Get the fuck-on-with-ih'' from time to time, the tit. They did get on with it though and managed to keep the energy levels ticking over nicely with a range of songs from all six of their albums, with my highlights being Down By The Water, Rise To Me, The Rake Song, This Is Why We Fight and The Mariners Revenge Song. 

Set list:
Infanta, Down By The Water, Rox In The Box, Rise To Me, Annan Water, Won't Want For Love, The Crane Wife 1 & 2, The Crane Wife 3, Don't Carry It All, Calamity Song, January Hymn, The Rake's Song, Sixteen Military Wives, This Is Why We Fight, (encore) Eli, The Barrow Boy, The Mariner's Revenge Song, June Hymn/Ask.

The real treat of the night though was their rendition of The Smiths classic 'Ask' with the whole crowd joing in on their second encore. Lovely stuff.

Bedtime - 00:30am



'Puscka' on Rodney street just off Hardman street, is a corking pre gig venue for scran. Curry, Rice n Chips it wasnt. Cosy, welcoming and very attentive staff all manage to warm the cockles nicely as does Cains Lager being served. I had the Confit of Duck ''Shephards Pie'' to start which was excellent, then the Rump of Lamb with Balsamic, Rosemary and Red Onion marinade, Garlic Mash and Green Beans. Ten out of ten, couldnt fault it, set your underpants to 'thouroughly satisfied'.

Onto the gig though, I reckon it was the seats, right at the sodding back in the gods, due to procrastination around our tickets, im not so sure. Sam Beam/Iron and Wine's performance was predictably captivating and in parts completely intoxicating, but there was a certain simplicity missing to some of the songs for me. Dont get me wrong he's an absolute thoroughbred of a performer and his vocals are beautiful, but there is something inherently dissatisfying to being distracted by 30-40 smartphones lighting up in your line of sight because of an over fussy arrangement or saxophone solo. That said, Naked As We Came, the one song encore(?), almost brought a tear to the eye such was its perfection.

Bedtime - 02:00am


Lastly if you're pondering whether to renew your season ticket this spring/summer or even just fancy a reminder about why we all bother with the gang of spineless biffs playing for us at the moment, then look no further than this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2nQmBN6e5o  little ditty by The_Golden_Vision off the blaukopf_efc message board.

Up th toffees.

Birmingham City Preview

Not an awful lot seperates these two teams going into tonights game at Goodison, 6 points and a big shiny pot to be exact, but it comes as somewhat of a surprise to see Birmingham sitting in the bottom three. Alex McCleish sits proudly in the first page of The David Moyes Textbook of Premiership Football Management. He represents what a number of other teams/boardrooms have replicated over the last few years after seeing the skant rewards Everton gained from supporting an ambitious, determined young manager for a sustained period of time.



To some clubs(and their fans), just to sit round sniffing at the golden trotters of the established order of bloated glory Pigs(Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal etc) each season at Rupert Murdochs money trough, is enough for them, hence the hard to beat Moyes-a-like teams sprouting up all over the country.



Birmingham look a bit like a case in point too, youth and home grown players encouraged and supported into the team, mix that in with experienced captains and the odd savvy overseas buy and you've gone and got yourself a top flight football team. Envious but curteous glances will be cast to Mcleish's side by all at Everton this evening, for managing to get hold of what has turned out to be the elusive holy grail for David Moyes and the teams he has built, lost, had taken away from him ever since he arrived almost a decade ago.



Moyes commands respect for everything he has done at Everton in that time, and the wider footballing community, bar the majority of Anfield, seem to hand out the plaudits and back slaps he rightly deserves. What none of these manage to get rid of though is the growing primate taken refuge right between his shoulder blades, a trophy. The fact is, Alex McLeish probably isnt as good a manager as David Moyes given both clubs standings in the game and their respective expectations/achievements etc, but all that is ever remembered in football are medals.

Birmingham are certainly no better than Everton, but they managed to do what most mid level sides fail to do these days, i.e. beat one of the larger monied teams when it mattered. As it happens, a tireless work rate together with a massive slice of luck proved to be enough on the day. Thats what it comes down to though and how small it is, a chewed up scrap of a nothing competition being dropped from the mouths of the haves, right into the grateful hungry mouth of a have not.



Whateverthefuck, to the game. Birmingham as well as suffering a post Wembley hangover, have a veritble flurry of injuries to contend with according to a number of websites. With Dann(DAN!), Hleb, Ferguson, Gardener and el lurchio Zigic all looking like they are struggling, which is good for us. Whilst we're without long term casualties Cahill and Fellaini as well as skipper Phil Neville. Tony Hibbert will post an unenviable record this evening if he starts after his impressive game up at Newcastle, the most capped Everton player ever to not score a goal.

Lump on Hibbert 1-0 then, i fancy Everton tonight. Riots everywhere with Zulus afterwards.

Newcastle Match Report...NUFC 1 - EFC 2

As Leon Best latched onto The Pock Marked Allerton Wonder's rasping shot in the 23rd minute of this spikey encounter and subsequently push the magpies in front, it looked to have the makings of a truly shitty arsed week for Everton, but credit to the players and management, they turned this one round almost instantaneously and came back to Merseyside clutching three priceless points.



Oh Mikel, where have you been? Its lovely to see you, we've missed you dearly. Arteta shifted out wide by Moyes, terrorised Newcastle all afternoon and picked up almost exactly were he left off after his knee popped out when falling funny in that aerial challenge with arch annoying face Steven ''Lets get on the JaegerBombs eh fellas'' Taylor, almost two years ago to the day. After such a performance and something some sections have been pleading with him to do for months, it does rub a healthy portion of armchair salt into this particular gaping ''I told you so'' wound.

The equaliser came from a break and some great work by Osman and the Basque(good band name that) down the left hand side, Arteta squaring it back to Osman and then the little Alien 3 head having enough time to take a touch and sidefoot it home calmly. Almost as soon as we'd got ourselves level, we found ourselves one up after Leighton Baines swung in a trademark free kick behind Newcastle's defence, which just evaded Beckford but following up was Jagielka who managed to sweep it satisfyingly onto the bar and high into the side netting, which was nice.



From getting themselves in front to the final whistle, Everton had a veritable glut of chances which had they converted any of them(particularly you Saha) would have added a flattering coat of gloss to a nervy performance at times. Newcastles inevitable surge in the second half played right into the hands of our typical smash and grab away performances and in Arteta, to see him receiving the ball out wide on a number of occasions with Newcastle players breathing through their arses to get back and defend, well, lets just say its been too long.

Victor Anichebe and Kev Nolan tickled each others balls a bit for the cameras and fuelled Evertonians growing hatred towards both of them that little bit more. The former being ever so slightly more bizarre than the latter. Anichebes introduction didnt result in a third or even him being dazzling on the ball or anything, what it did do though was inject a willing physical presence into a performance at a critical stage of the proceedings and in the right area of the pitch. Oh and Pardew can fuck off actually. Leon Best's push on Jagielka for their second half ''equaliser'' was as blatent as they come. ''Being smart and backing in'' indeed. Apart from that the archetypal creepy step dad was uncharecteristically complimentary about us post match, which again, was nice.



Whats not all that nice though, is that we find this team pulling Rabbits out of hats at points in campaigns were it leaves you with a sort of empty feeling, like when a Big Mac seems like a cracking idea to quench the hangover demons, but ultimately it just fuels their mental/physical persecution of you, dont get me wrong an Everton win is an Everton win and whether you're in the ale house, St James Park or Outer pissing Mongolia at 4:45 on a Saturday it puts a skip in your step. It'd just be nice to see a Moyes side play like their lives depended on it, not when, well, their lives depend on it.

It'll take a few more results like Saturdays to inject some sort of purpose and direction into this failing season. But i for one wouldnt bet against Moyes in particular making that happen.

Anyway, Up the toffees.

Newcastle Preview

The last time we played up at St James Park, the away dressing room after the game probably resembled something like a casualty line from the battle of the Somme, with Ryan Taylor and Kevin Nolan exacting out their childhood fantasies of ludicrous challenges on Everton players for almost 90 minutes. Hilariously though, Victor Anichebe has recently settled out of court with Newcastle for depriving him of 11 months of his career and thus robbing Evertonians throughout the land of either the second coming of George Weah or the second coming of George Formby in Everton shorts. Dont even start on what it might have done to Arteta.

The fact is, it was an extremely costly game for Everton in the run up to their FA Cup final that season, mainly as Arteta was in scintilating form up until that point and coupled with the fact we lost Jagielka albeit on a seperate occasion, it's fair to say what might have been if those two were available. Which brings us back to Tuesday night. How does Moyes not only raise his players game after their season effectively ended the other night, but his own?



There's always our survival to play for like, and a point or even a sneaky win at Newcastle's home ground where they havent found it the easiest to rack up their points this season, may be just the tonic for Moyes and his men to convince supporters to keep the faith with this 'Annus Fuckingshitfromstarttofinishus', and more importantly keep us moving in the right direction away from the trapdoor. The problem with that may be that his players will probably have been passing the Thomas Cook brochures round Finch Farm after the Reading debacle ''planning Vegas baby''. The useless gang of pricks.

Newcastle did a great job on us at Goodison last September, with comedy villains of the piece Barton and Nolan absolutely running the show. At the time it felt like the usual early season blip from Everton but as it turns out it was the pre cursor for what we would still be getting served up in early March. Crazy really when you actually sit down and think about it.



Self confessed Evertonian Joey Barton who has enjoyed a smashing season so far for the Magpies, continues to divide opinion amongst Blues, some saying he's exactly what we need others that he's a Rat faced, Ian Rush muzzied Huyton Gremlin. The prospect of getting him in cheap somehow though and scraping his wages together from down the back of one of Phillip Greens Caviar, Coke and Oyster stained sofas, putting him in the middle of the park and shifting set piece hog Mikel Arteta out wide doesnt exactly fill this reporter with dread.

Balding, youthful, Irish schemer Stephen Ireland is hoping to make his debut for Newcastle(GULP), but may not after a hamstring pull according to the ever hateful Pardew, ill put them down for 1-0 Ireland then shall I? Shola Ameobi also hopes to make his comeback wearing one of those Phantom of the Opera masks after fracturing his face or somthing. All in all, without Tim Cahill and Marouanne Fellaini, whose arl fella is turning all gangster on our asses again, we will need to be on top form to get anything whatsoever out of this game. You just never fucking know with this team though, ever.

Fair play to all supporters brave enough to make the long journey up there to get shouted at by a Geordie bizzie for having the temerity to stand up at the match though. After Tuesday night they all deserve a medal.

Howay the Toffee's.

Reading Match Report

Banana skins eh...Where the fucking hell do you start with that? A completely disjointed, lifeless, passion-lite Everton team were unceremoniously dumped out of last 16 of the cup by a competent Reading side at home. For a club that in recent years could be famed for numerous embarrassing cup upsets, this one seems to have topped them all due to the timing. Some say it would have been a lot easier for Evertonians to have watched their team go out on penalties against Chelsea, patted them on their backs and said ''oh well lads, the players they have, the money they have...what can you do?''. Reading at home in the last 16 of the cup though, what more can you ask for?

The chance to steel their professional purpose in a campaign which had lost its way months ago and focus on an entirely achievable route to Wembley, seemed not only logical but an absolute necessity due to various burnt bridges crashing fully into murky waters between the club and its fans.




Before the game our injury worries seemed somehow manageable against lower league opposition, how wrong can one be? Apart from a reasonable opening 10 minute spell, the complete lack of physical presence in midfield was consistantly exploited in the abscence of Marouanne Fellaini, which some kind soul decided to remind us on the drive home last night is out for the rest of the season. Cahill was sorely missed up front too, with numerous misplaced headers and shots either being missed or unfathomably saved by reserve keepers. Saha made it, I think? Yep, im sure it was him. Jermaine Beckford didnt, he left things late and got caught in traffic on the M62. After recently beginning to prove people wrong on the pitch, last nights Zingari-esque waltz to the changies 3 minutes before kick off will have sharpened his detractors knives somewhat for his off pitch demeanour. The chuffing great tit.



Moyes decision to play Saha on his own up front from the off against a championship side, you could say was forced upon him by Beckfords unprofessionalism, it sort of becomes a moot point though when you leave another player on the bench who is a striker, is fully fit and according to a section of our support playing against his own standard of player. Bilyaletdinov, possibly at fault for the goal with a weak defensive header and non existant sweeping up of the scraps didnt have his best night. That too felt questionable, he's a luxury player who clearly doesnt excel in the physical side of things and his inclusion from the off against a combative Championship side looked a vulnerable one.



Credit were it is due, Reading were competant throughout, well drilled and had clearly done their homework on Everton and deserved fully to get through to play the victors of tonights clash between Villa and City. I wonder whether their fans may be licking their chops and fervently booking mondays off so they can toast a return/first visit to Wembley? Fuck off Everton.

Where do Moyes and his players go from here? Despite feeling like this season is finished in March, survival in the league would be a start. 5 points off the bottom three and probably 6 off a highly competitive European place, two absolutely key players missing for prolonged periods and Matt Mills winner single handely taking the wind out of every Evertonian sail. It's gonna take something big to convince people to continue parting with their hard earned for such heartbreaking returns.

Maybe it's time to completely rip it up and start again, whether that is from the very top down or not who knows. Everton are a big club with a proud history. We seem to be stuck somehow in a no mans land of forward progress. With money restraints and honest to goodness coaching competing with each other to have the finger pointed at them. We lack a freshness, maybe get to the summer, hopefully in this league. Then rebuild the squad and re-determine our goals.

If 2009's final was as good as its going to get then maybe it was better to have not drank the failure elxir from that particular chalice in the first place. Sickening...

Reading Preview

As potential Banana skins lurking round corners go, this could be as big and slippery as they come. Reading come to Goodison lying in tenth in the Championship, still firmly in the hunt for promotion, which isn't exactly a cavernous gulf in class as they come in the FA Cup.




Speak to most and they'll tell you who they'd prefer in the last eight, or why we have a better chance at Villa Park than we do at The City of Manchester and that they're booking the monday off for good measure. All conversations should be expected as much as they are mildy exciting, truth is though, theres 90 minutes of football to play first. If it wasn't for those pesky kids etc etc.
This Reading team have already knocked Premiership opponents out of the competition this year in West Brom and have had a habit of doing it in the past.

We've injury doubts over several key players in Fellaini, Cahill and Bekford, not to mention everybodys favourite auburn haired French Fart Louis Saha, who in a fit of anger after playing well and failing to slot against a limp Sunderland defence, decided to write off £150,000's worth of Italian sports car in Alderley Edge. The surprised look on most Evertonians faces when serious injury was dismissed, was uncannily similar to that of most Libyan's when Colonel Gaddafi recently declared underneath an Umbrella that ''Im in total control and anyway, they all still love me lar''.

Reading have a few injuries themselves in goalkeeper Adam Federici, captain Ivar Ingimarsson  and Alex Pearce. Clear your collective booing gullets though for probable kopite and swine eye'd Irishman Noel Hunt and confirmed kopite and gap toothed work experience kid Shane Long.
                    

Seriously though, we could hardly have asked for a better draw at this stage of the competition with it being at home and against a lower league club and putting all caution aside, this could be this group of players last and only chance of silverware(and possibly Europe) this season and beyond.

Most of the players were here two years ago and know what it takes at this stage, furthermore after watching an honest Birmingham City triumph against the gracious, gracious Arsenal at the weekend and getting their noses in front against Chelsea in the last round, you would hope that the carrot has been well and truly dangled, they have the bit firmly between their teeth and that they fancy taking on these last 3 hurdles and going for something special.


FA Cup Donkeys or Everton Thoroughbreds?