Blackburn Match Report

Mikel Arteta, wearing the lovely Amber kit with his alarmingly well ironed hair, after having an utter stinker, brushed off current penalty taker Leighton Baines protestations and slammed home a last minute controversial penalty winner when Marouanne Fellaini was simultaneously closelined and suplexed by the Legion of Doom late on, winning a weird old game at Ewood Park, that was the tale of 3 penalties.


Early on in proceedings the game was chuntering along rather lazily and never really managed to get going from Everton or Blackburns perspective. The Toffees tried and failed throughout the first half to out-muscle or outplay a mediocre home side who were beginning to dominate when David Dunn hit the post after the impressive Hoilett had set him up.


The same two players were involved again in a way just after half time.With David Dunn going off injured, thank fuck for that, Junior Hoilett stepped up and had a penalty saved after a snivelling shithouse of a player, Formica, completely took the piss out of an inexperienced and fragile looking Barkley, when leaving his leg dangling to ''look for a penalty'', all perfectly acceptable too according to Alan Shearer, they hateful geordie turd.

If Howards subsequent save here wasn't Karmic enough, then Formica hitting the post after he'd gone looking for another one, and got it from Jagielka, was reet pleasing. Even after both of those opportunities went begging for the hosts, it still wasn't enough to spark Everton into life and to get the ball down and play a bit. The lack of hunger and commitment at this point was worrying.



Oh well, Balding porker referee Lee Mason, who had completely lost count of were he was up to in terms of even-ing things up it up for the team he'd last wronged, pointed to the spot in injury time after Marouanne Fellaini was sort of tag teamed by two Blackburn grocks when competing for a Phil Neville throw in. Arteta with the minimum of fuss and flying in the face of our usual penalty taker Baines, did the rest. What people would be saying if he'd blurted it high, wide or indeed handsome doesn't bare thinking about. He didnt though. First 3 points of the season in the bag, next up Villa.

Blackburn Preview

Ahhhhh Blackburn and Ewood park. The home of Souness imploring you to buy a season ticket in bus stops, of first team chicken adverts , of pissed up ale swilling little Everton gremlins in the Fernhurst on their one awayday of the season and also the scene of last seasons horror spill by Tim Howard, sort of kick starting a season of inertia from players and fans alike.


Drink Driving manager Steve Kean welcomes back his captain Chris ''Kinnell, he's a big lad'' Samba to his line up for tomorrows league clash, but may lose Kiwi ''Roin Nellsun'' to a knee injury. We may also see another one of their unknown randoms scoring against us as Simon Vukcevic makes his bow in front of the Ewood faithful, all 47 of them. Now THEY'RE the types of 'Marquee Signings' you can expect to make once a billionaire gets hold of you, him AND David Goodwillie....COR!

Bilyaletdinov is available again for us after his suspension(woopdeedoo) and it is highly likely Moyes will welcome Arteta and Fellaini back into the fold after they bossed things on Wednesday against Sheffield United.


Both teams will be desperately trying to get their first wins of the season here, but Everton are more than capable of taking away the three points at ground where as away records go, ours isnt to bad over there, last seasons dip to Kalinic's lucky strike was only our first defeat there in 7 games. Not bad for us that. We've been beat by almost fucking everybody in recent memory away from home.

I'd go for:
--------------------------------------Howard-------------------------------------

Hibbert------------Jagielka-----------------------Heitinga-------------Baines-----

---------------------------------------Fellaini--------------------------------------

----------------Barkley---------------Cahill--------------------Arteta-------------

----------------------------Osman-------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------Anichebe----------------------------------------

Maverick isnt it? After their performances on Wednesday night though, Hibbert and Anichebe deserve a chance to shine here.

Up the fuckin Toffo's.

Everton v Sheffield United Match Report

First of all id like to go back on what i said about Steve Simonsen, i felt a bit tight after calling him poo yesterday, it was because i saw him waving to his family in the main stand pre match and them lifting his son up to reveal a surprise brand new Everton Goalie top on with 'Simonsen 1' on it. Gah! Well in Simmo laird.

It was a bit of shame that only just over 17,000 weary souls took this game in during a pleasant evening in L4 last night. Mainly because Everton managed to do something they haven't been great at by getting a routine win against a poor Sheffield United, but also because they almost did it with a bit of panache, a semi-swagger if you will.


Employing just one up front again(Anichebe) you could forgive those that bothered their arses for treating it with a heavy dose of trepidation, but with the team rejigged and with a sense of purpose, fear ye not my blue brethren. Everton slid the ball about quickly from kick off and looked clearly the two leagues between them and Sheffield United. Mucha came in for Howard and was mostly untroubled . Hibbert came in for Neville and had a good solid game keeping things simple and showing some decent crossing. Barkley looked far more at home on the right and again looked way beyond his years causing the opposition all kinds of problems. Big Victor Anichebe scoring his first goal in what felt like a generation, possibly reminded his detractors why Moyes keeps the faith with him and thinks there maybe a player in there trying to get out. Working hard, holding up the ball and linking play well, the Sheffield United defenders couldnt really handle his strength. Jack Rodwell showing a touch of aggression and a direct style to his play again, also managed to remind people what he could be(for United natch). Another plus point was Johnny Heitinga beside Jagielka in the heart of the defence, his good distribution and relaxed technique seems to settle those around him, sorry Sylvain.


The real difference however was Fellaini and Arteta. They are technically Evertons best two players whichever way you look at it. They have the ability to control games with their clever linking of the play and winning the ball back for each other and starting again and playing against a poor Sheffield United they really made it show. I've seen Arteta described as a deep lying play maker and a  'Ghost Winger', whatever the fuck that is, but it is clear from the players we have available just now, that his best position is going to be out left, linking with Baines and coming inside. Unsurprisingly this is where our first goal came from.


When Cresswell slotted, it can only be described as a pretty freakish goal totally against the run of play really. Simonsen webbed it up field, i think, Jagielka then uncharacteristically mistimed his header, letting his strike partner Stephen Quinn run in behind him and set Cresswell up to slide it home. Queue a Limpet Hoop moment and three whole minutes of wackiness from skinny steel workers sons with seven haircuts in one, ''Shite Ground, No Fans'' etc etc, they were spot on like.


Anyhoo, the very same player justifiably tapped into his own net after a great run and shot from Rodwell down the left. About five minutes after that Everton went ahead with the impressive Barkley linking superbly with Osman to set up Anichebe for his tap in. You wonder whether the young lads assist was a shot to be honest as he seemed to thrash at it, but who gives a fuck. The goal of the night came just before half time when Arteta stroked home a loose ball with all the assurance and ease of a Crokky soldier being eagerly instructed by his peers to ''smash it lad''.


Right then lads, a hat full for confidence please... as it was, that was the last of the action really, apart from a few niggly challenges by both sides and Fellaini inexplicably going in shin high on some short arse and luckily escaping with a yellow. Everton  can take confidence though, they dominated possession throughout the second half and never really broke sweat and can look forward to the draw, Liverpool please.

They were able to make a a few subs and rest some bodies for the weekends trip to Blackburn, which even though we are only two games into the season, has an important feel about, if only to convince some of fringe support to keep the faith and get behind them. On this showing, they're capable of it. Still, it was only Sheffield United wasn't it?

Up the Toffees.

Sheffield United Carling Cup Preview

Everton's record in the league cup is pretty horrific, it doesn't matter who has been in charge, or what sides we've put out, we almost always manage to crash out of the competition blushing and trying to avoid eye contact with everyone. So after the truly miserable defeat against QPR on the opening day, which seemed to both compound a proportion of Evertonians pre season depression and then veritably piss on the curried chips of the defiantly optimistic amongst us, probably what we didn't want is an unbeaten team sitting joint top of two divisions below. Twitchy hoops and Limpet ring-pieces will probably be the order of the evening for all 15,000 of us.
         

Comfort yourself with the fact that they have gap toothed fraudulent money tool Steve Simonsen between the sticks, christ, we paid 3.3 million ''real'' English pounds for that lad. Well, we didn't like, Peter Johnson(he who has been roundly congratulated by some Evertonians recently!) cheekily moved a bit of his dosh around in the final throes of his regime whilst having his portly fingers in both ours and our tunnel rat cousins financial pies. Sticking to the point, we should be putting all kinds of crosses and shots in on him, he's poo. Lower league Grock Richard Cresswell will offer us a chance to get all ruffled after our chippy tea's with some back to basics centre forwarding.


Danny Wilson, who always looks like he could hiding a ten year affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter, brings his charges to Goodison at an opportune moment for (not that much of )a giant killing. Four premier league sides went out the competition last night and Everton's confidence will be fragile. Sunderland, Norwich, Swansea and our slayers from the weekend QPR all went out. Okay three of the four of those have been promoted this season, and the teams in Europe wont be kicking a ball for months in the competition, but who could blame any misty eyed get for wondering, finally, after 133 years of waiting, whether this could be our year?


Birmingham ''fucking'' City done it last year, which puts paid to any theories of rich or ''big'' teams only winning it. It may be worth next to fuck all and the lowest of all competitions in some peoples eyes, but it'd be reet nice to have another day out at Wembley and even get back into Europe for a jolly or two. Moyes could do with throwing off his annual early season titty lip and select a relatively positive side with two attackers on the pitch as well as players playing in their usual positions. You know, the fundamentals when playing teams inferior to yourself in talent and that?

Everton team news is that Bilyaletdinov is still suspended, the massive hard case, Tim Cahill has had the flu, Seamus Colemans ankle is still at a right angle, Jermaine Beckford has a knee strain after kicking the ground at least ten times versus QPR and Phil Neville(who's hair looked a fucking state by the way) has pulled his vocal chords after delivering one rallying call too many(only one of those isnt true). That said, the changes that needed to be made from the weekend maybe kindly forced upon Moyes. The likes of Saha and Anichebe should be called upon to step in for Cahill and Beckford, who utterly stunk the gaffe right out and expect to see Tony Hibbert possibly make a start too in place of Phil ''Ross is like a new signing for us'' Neville, who has also signed a new contract. Yay!


So, if its alright with you Blues, can you try and not do our collective tits in again tonight, you're the better side, please show the desire and ability to try and raise a smile on the young ones, or maybe those who just have absolutely nothing better to do in their lives, or maybe even those who are mad enough to choose to support you for hard cash, because they know you need it, after yet another shite start to a season.

Up the toffs.

QPR 0 - 1 Match Report

When the first proper team news for the season filtered through to the various ale houses, that David Moyes had given a start to young Ross Barkley, a genuine surge of optimism steered its way into many worried Evertonians head. It was almost immediately tempered by the fact that he was playing Beckford on his own up front,with everybody's least favourite defensive midfielder(after Phil Neville that is) Johnny Heitinga in the middle. Presumably then Louis Saha, Mikel Arteta and Marouane Fellaini all failed fitness test's and weren't on the bench? ''No...Really? thats weird...'' Still, it's only QPR, Sean Derry's in the middle for them, c'mon Everton these are shit.



Whether anybody at Goodison should have expected anything different from the players and the manager is questionable. It's tradition though to turn up first day and think about fresh starts and new leaves being turned over. This one came straight out of the beginning of last season's ''deflating shite'' textbook we blotted so handsomely for months. Disjointed, with some good players not knowing where they should be playing and looking like they'd never seen their teammates, nevermind spent half the summer with them dissappointed almost entirely throughout.

The one bright prospect was always going to be Barkley, to put it simply; in a torrent of overpaid, swelling, oceanic sound-bite twittering shite, he shone through like a pooh encrusted beacon(buoy), defiantly gadding about in Goodison's midfield spraying balls about like a latter day Paul Scholes, ignoring the stormy waters around him. Something about his low centre of gravity, his passing ability, his demanding of the ball and his instinctive grasping of responsibility, tells you somehow Evertons academy, yet again, have unearthed another absolute gem of a player.


The winning goal came after half an hour when striking journey man Tommy Smith curled one in at the far post, after some customary early season dawdling from Captain in waiting Jagielka. They passed the ball well QPR, with Sean Derry inexplicably rolling back the years and at the same time metamorphosising into Michael Ballack or someone. A bit like Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan did last year. Remember that? All the fun of the fair down at goodison park.


Adel Taarabt lived up to his billing as some sort mecurial Morrocan Magician, with some exquisite flicks touches and dribbling, whether he gave it the ''jusslikethaa'' routine whilst repeatedly making Phil Neville look like a biff all afternoon is up for debate. Oh for a multibillionaire to finance a move for such a player ''jusswhaweneed''.

Too many players on the day just didnt turn up, Tim Cahill, Phil Neville, Jermaine Beckford and Leon Osman all had days to forget about, truly pitiful performances. Even Leighton Baines, who created our best chance with a caressed free kick hitting the bar in the first half, even he and the high standards he set himself couldnt muster up what was needed to turnover a team at home that will almost certainly struggle all season.


Who knows what the reasons are for yet another bad start to the season, whether it be lack of investment, a gang of knobheads with a sense of entitlement releasing theirs(and our) dirty laundry two days before kick off, or even the nonsensical lack of involvement from our best players, who know how to play in a position(poor Jack Rodwell) from the start of a game. It happened again and its fucking depressing. Still, we can put it all right on a Wednesday night cup tie against a lower tier Sheffield United cant we? Unfortunately, my glass is half empty again.

Who said Evertonians are fickle?

QPR and Season Preview

Here we go again then, you pays your money, you turn up, you cover some poor unsuspecting fifty something menopausal woman in front of you with hate filled spittle, you go back to the ale house to whinge and moan about being held to a draw by Neil Warnocks promoted Queens Park Rangers (great footy name that), you gleefully stab your Kenwright doll in its eyes and one in the balls for good measure, then you fuck off home. Whats not to look forward to?


Ive got a bit of a soft spot for Q.P.R., its a mixture of their name, their kit and a couple of players who played for them, you know all the important things when your a kid. They come to Goodison after a fresh takeover from a rich guy (cool your jets Blue Union, i think London real estate could have something to do with this one) and a right royal walloping on the opening day of the season against the mighty Bolton Wanderers. So they will come to us wanting to put that right /  to impress the new owner / to pull their socks up...etc etc. Tarabt is the man to look out for who can make things happen for them, lump on him to slot, who was it last season Ben Arfa? Presuming he's available actually and hasnt fell out with his deplorable, arch Batman baddie lookalike of a boss, oh and Clint Hill, ex Tranmere and ''couldn't look more scouse'' if i tried centre back is suspended for them...blah de fucking blah blah blah. We need to just go out and snot the living daylights out of these. Ill tell you why...

         

The Blue Union have done their bit, they got their meeting with the chairman of our club, they got their dialogue, they have seemingly  fucked up their cause up by recording Bill on one of their iPhones in their pockets after not agreeing this with him in the first place. They've in no uncertain terms dragged the clubs name through the virtual mud on the eve of the new season, with a juvenile and amateurish campaign at finding the reasons why we cant make signings any more. Even Derek Hatton who set up the meeting has dropped them(stop laughing at the back), ironically via twitter, where all this kopite nonsense began.

Where were these militants when we signed a brooding Belgian midfielder for loads of dosh and our oh so mecurial Russian lad, with his half wand half hammer of a left peg for stupid money? Probably watching Youtube clips of them and wanking themselves silly like the rest of us. As has been said a million times over, thats were we are these days, if you're not owned by an Oligarch or Sheikh and spunking gold out your Peen at will, weakening your rivals and strengthening your own squad, your nobody and going nowhere.



It was the inevitability surrounding the Blue Union campaigns agenda that immediately rubbed a sizeable proportion of Evertonians up wrong way i think, they wanted answers for things that anybody with half an ounce of sense in their skull seemed to know was going on anyway. Since Kenwright has been in charge we've always been selling to buy, its that things are getting tighter its becoming harder for us to do our business when we want to do it, if any at all. ''Have you asked the Yankee's whether they're interested Bill? They hate the Redsox...''. Lord Above.



All things aside you have to commend this band of lunatics on their unwavering concern for our beloved club, it's touching. It just feels a bit like they've seen a couple of their mates on Facebook attending SOS gigs and marches and that they want piece of the toe curling NuSoccer pie. No team, anywhere, whether you've won it ''Fiiiiiive tiiiiimez Lad'' or never before, have a god given right to anything. You have to earn it. Whether that's tightening your belt and getting your head down, pulling together and working hard or whether its flashing your knickers at the first scurrilous rich 'Johnny Cum Firstly' and letting him have his wicked way with you, that's your decision.

Its time for everybody to leave this behind us now, after half of Tottenham burning down last week our season starts tomorrow. Leave all the infighting to the other side when half of Denmark has snaffled up their tickets, this time last year we weren't arsed about spending nothing. ''Champions League hopefuls'', hardly anything has changed. Dont think that any small personal protest you may be staging against the board or whoever is helping anybody out but yourself, if you love your team and can afford to be there, then do your duty. They need you and your coin, now more than ever.


Up Those Glorious Royal Blue Toffeemen.

The (not even) Million Dollar Barton Question

Joseph Anthony Barton, born in Huyton 1982. Twenty Eight years of age, a FREE transfer and in his prime.
Depending on which side of the fence you sit, thug, convict, play-maker and leader are just some of the words most likely to crop when people talk, usually quite passionately, about this self confessed Evertonian.

    

The lad has certainly had his well documented run in's over the years, there's no point in raking over old ground, as it looks like to the somewhat neutral observer, that he's began to mature a bit. People will almost certainly piss and moan about him venting on Twitter about proceedings at Newcastle as a sign he hasn't changed his ways, but for any frequenters of the social media outlet, he genuinely comes across as one of the more humorous, articulate and readable of the often lamented so called thicko's about in professional football. Not to metion liking half decent bands and artists in a virtual Ocean of RnB and Hip Hop bellendary that engulfs premier league jukeboxes, car stereos, mp3's. Who would of friggin well thunk it eh?

    

The point here is that as of today (2nd of August), Everton unsurprisingly still haven't managed to add to our fairly talented squad of decent, talented, polite, apologetic band of nearly men in Royal Blue. Opinions will be hugely divided here, but i genuinely see Joey Barton as an opportunity to add a different type of leadership, drive and steel into a squad that craves it. The point about him upsetting the team spirit is almost complete bollocks too. If its as strong as some fans and players are so eager to remind us of, then they will put him in his place if he gives it the big one as soon as he walks in. Sometimes though, its refreshing to have a player who will just give you the home truths you need to up your game.

I hate to use Gerrard and Liverpool as an example as I cant stand the furrrking bulbs and being 30 i have had to suffer watching him win all kinds of shiny pots for them. But when they are at their best, he's at the heart of all of it, snarling, snapping and reminding people of what it means to play for, yes you've guessed it: LIBBERPEWWLLLFURBURRKLUB. Watch him, as annoying as it is, the only other player in that team he's even remotely polite to throughout the game is Carragher, and thats because he's a fellow Gremlin. Anyway I digress slightly. You need that in a side, and top teams almost always have them. Think Roy Keane, think Souness, think Peter Reid, another Huyton lad who knew what it meant to play for a local side.
                             

He wont come cheap and we'll have to fight hard to get him as there will be a lot of competition for his signature. But I believe, *****Please Put On Royal Blue Tinted Spectacles Here*****  if we can convince him that this is his perfect opportunity for footballing redemption and success with his boyhood club, then who, millionaire or not, wouldn't gamble on that. He could be a hero at Goodison.

Ultimately, if it all goes tits up. Which it could do. You've paid nothing for him and you get rid for what you've paid him in wages. Something tells me it could be different though if we miraculously found the magic beans down the back Kenwrights Luvvie Lounger for this deal, we wont though.

And I for one, will think of what could have been. Good luck at Spurs Joey!

Up those glorious Toffeemen.