Manchester United Preview

Who's up next? Oh yeah, it's only those forced ditty orchastrating, ten to two gaited, all round loveable men in black from down the M62 isnt it(reluctant champions elect no less). Its a bit mad that last bit isnt it? I mean they're absolutely effing shine-a-light arent they? arent they?...in relative terms like. It will no doubt be grasped onto by most kopites as some sort of comfort clause the moment they lift ''N-N-N-N-Nineteen'', but this year would surely represent the worst league champions since Sky inserted their engorged golden phalice into the english game wouldnt it?
  
That said, It will probably still be a mere formality for them on Saturdays early kick off, afterall, we have the single worst premiership record of any club at any particular ground with these cuntwipes. The aura of invincibility that hung over Salfords 'Theatre of Astounding Arrogance' when Keane, Giggs, Beckham and Van Nistelrooy were in their pomp has all but combusted into thin air, leaving a sometimes vulnerable soft underbelly of Darren Gibson, errrrr....Giggs, Valencia and Owen

Six points clear of the impotent Chelsea and a flacid Arsenal side with 5 games remaining, represents to most a very good oppurtunity of lifting the Premier League title with a couple of games spare. I wonder if it will pan out like that though? I couldnt give a scrawny rats cock whether they overtake the other sides haul of league titles to be honest, i mean it may raise a hint of a smile, but in all honesty they're just the lesser of two horrendously self agrandising monstrosity's right on our doorstep. In fact what would be funnier is if spurned heartthrob Fernando Torres inspired Romans Allstars to pip them and Kopites of the south Arsenal to the trophy.

   

A teaparty-tastic movement calling themselves ''Evertonians For Change'' have began selling scarves for people to wear at our games. The purpose of them seems to be to protest against Bill Kenwright and his band of merry highway men holding the club to ransom and not opening the door to the angry mob of billionaires banging on his office door trying to buy Everton Football Club off him. Selling points seem to be: they are all but indistinguishable from other Everton Scarves on the stalls i.e. they are Blue and Amber and they have also managed to fit a couple of large Liverbirds on there in case anybody wasnt completely sold in the first place. Good thinking lads. Maybe they could ask the United fans how their scarfer protest got on against the Glazers?

Everton's continued injury problems apply, but so what? Its not like were not used to getting turned over here so we have nothing to fear from this game whatsoever, theres literally nothing riding on it. Hopefully that would be enough to ease the tension of the players shoulders and free them up to try and impress whomever any of them would want to impress in a nothing end of season run out, eh Jack? Seriously though, the pressure is all on United, were starting to play ok just now, Leon Osman is a one man footballing genius so who knows?

ROONEH 3 NIL. The hateful little turd.




Up the glorious Toffo's....

Blackburn Match Report

Its the little things from now until the end of the season. Like waking up on a saturday morning when the weathers been shite all week and its cracking the flags outside, like Blackburn fans bringing approximately 600 fans from somewhere a 45 minute drive away and telling you your support is shite, like managing to time all the ingredients perfectly on your fry up so it takes your breath away with its perfection....


Like picking a winning scorecast(Osman 2-0) coupon when your interest in a result is beyond apathtic, then realising when you got home you did Baines last goal £2 as well. Cashback! And finally, like seeing Leon Osman completely boss games and look absolutely majestic everytime he touches the ball. Skem's Iniesta indeed.


Osman has been an absolute pleasure to watch for a good few months now, it seemed when the chips were down and the so called glamour players at the club were falling apart, getting injured left right and centre and Everton needed somebody to take responsibility of the teams failing season, Osman may have been the last person you would of expected to do so. But since he's been accidentally moved into the middle of the park he's done more than that. I used to scratch my head when id hear Moyes lauding the ''local lads'' and them always having a place in the side for as long as he was here, thinking we'd maybe outgrown them and their humble capabilities, but maybe this is why.

The game in the first half absolutely reeked. With the only two things worth mentioning being a half chance from Beckford who spooned one from a tight angle and Johnny Heitinga going off injured after 15 minutes. The dutchmans Twitter based competition pre match of ''How far will i run today?'' clearly jinxing him. Ok Johnny, whatever you say, like fuck you ran 2000 metres. Rodwell came on in his place and continued to play within himself.


The second half was a different story, sort of anyway. Everton stepped things up a bit with the usual suspects pulling the strings and making things happen i.e. Osman and Baines, and as well as this Jack Rodwell seemed to throw off his shackles, well, loosen them a bit and use the ball with intent. His ability to power past people in midfield with the ball looks effortless at times, it's whether he's got the belief in himself to do this more often and beleive in the talents he's clearly got. Maybe somebody had a word at half time?

The opening goal came 10 minutes into the second half, with Osman shimmying past a Blackburn player from a short corner by the main stand, then leathering one into the far post. I couldnt give a flying shite whether it deflected off the ginormous moaning bastard that is Chris Samba. Nobody on the pitches performance deserved a goal more than his.



We doubled our lead after Seamus Coleman came on for Maggaye Gueye, who received a glowing reception from the Everton fans when he was leaving the field, but then hilariously took an age to the leave the field, recipricating the applause as if he'd just scored an overhead kick in the last minute past Pepe Reina at Wembley in a semi final, or something, anyway, i digress. The terrier like Coleman was brought down by a rash challenge from Phil Jones after a typical mazy run down the right hand side and Baines ignoring the crowds inquiries about Tony Hibbert taking the spot kick instead, put the result beyond doubt with an emphatic penalty.

We had half chances through Osman and Velios to put a shine on the result, but it wasnt to be. Blackburn were both poor and pedestrian throughout. Their team seems to be mirroring their fans lack of urgency when they look like they could drop out the league.

Anyway, 2 points off those twats with some tasty games ahead against teams higher up in the table, anyone arsed yet or actually think we'll do it when they're getting penalty's in the 97th minute of games?

Blackburn Preview

Perenial Wools and all round handy away day hosts Blackburn Rovers amble their way across from Lacashire this saturday to Goodison, you can hardly wait can you? At the merrrrment, it feels like every week Everton find themselves up against another team with a bit more to play for than themselves and yet they seem to be carving out the required results. Last weeks resounding snotting of relegation threatened Wolves felt surprisingly staisfying. Not that an Everton win(particularly away) is ever something to be sniffed at, but this season can surely be referred to as the dampest of all damp squibs under David Moyes, so these almost completely pointless performances were beginning to churn out just seem to rub salt into a fetid, still seeping, Reading shaped wound. It is FA Cup semi final weekend after all.



Steve Kean's a bit of wrong'un isnt he? He has the look of a deeply mournful civil servant ex husband. Resolute and bullish about his recent break up in front of everyone in the office. Come this years christmas party though, after an awkward grasp at Tina's from H.R.'s pendulous tits on the dancefloor and the subsequent tears he sheds during a disciplinary, his career is all but over. He should deffo take heed of this analogy whilst working for the Venky's, the massively uninspiring bugger.



They've drew their last 3 league games t'Rovers. Im not really sure what that means actually, possibly that they will tell the giant Chris Samba to kick fuck out everybody for 90 minutes then pop up the other end with 5 minutes remaining of a honking 0-0 borfest and nod in the winner, who knows, and indeed who gives a frigging toss. They've got a half decent record at Goodison Blackburn, but with Skem's very own Iniesta in electric form and eagerly pulling the strings for the Toffee's, we should probably have a little bit too much for them(ha!). Which makes your blood curdle again thinking back to this seasons opener. If ever there was a sign of things to come this season, it was Tim Howards mad fumble and the rest of the teams ''turning up and expecting to win'' arrogance of  that day. Never mind eh...

Its only a fucking game after all. Its certainly not worth more than life and death itself, on this weekend 22 years ago, this had never been more pertinent. Thousands of blues were at Villa park that day watching Pat Nevin notch in a semi final versus Nowrich and taking Everton to Wembley, whilst in Sheffield our closest neighbours were paying the irretrievable price of one of footballs worst tragedies. The news filtered through and the joy of reaching Wembley paled into complete insignificance. There but for the grace of god.



R.I.P. the 96 losts souls who went the match that day with mates and family members dreaming of Wembley and never came home.

Wolves 0 - Everton 3 (Match Report)

ZING! ZAP! and indeed WHAMMO! Everton were at their mecurial best on a glorious afternoon in the Black Country. After weathering an initial flurry of activity in their own half with Wolves starting the better of the two teams, Jermaine Beckford's headed finish managed to kick start what turned out to be the games defining moments.

Breaking away from another early chance for the hosts, on 21 minutes Leon Osman, who put in yet another exemplary shift which hopefully will once and for all keep his detractors quiet and also force his manager to play him in his best position, he lost his man on the right hand side and swung in an inch perfect ball that Jermaine Beckford simply could not fail to score with. That was the Zing.

The Zap was applied by Phil Neville from just outside the area, Jermaine Beckford managed to lay the ball back to the Everton skipper after Hennesey had made a good save in goal for Wolves. Heeding the advice of his son and replicating one which he said he webbed in in training on Friday. The keeper was left with no chance at all when Neville hit a rising drive early through a crowd of players which nestled satisfyingly in the top bin. 2-0 and Everton looking very comfortable with it. It looked like the sucker punch timing of our goals got to the players in Old Gold and they never managed to get back in the game from that point on.


The real gloss of the performance though was added by everybodys favourite Russian shithouse(sic) Diniyar Bilyaletdinov. With an enforced run in the team due to the comedy injuries we have at the moment, he's starting to find his feet again(slowly). With games comes confidence though and nobody looked more at ease and confident than he, when he quite literally walloped one in from 30 yards just before the break. It had that beautifully satisfying and deceiving flight that a ball has when it is well and truly blammed right in its sweet spot, ''two keepers...'' and all that shite.


In truth the game was as good as finished when Phil Dowd blew his half time whistle. There was enough time however for Wolves to ask for a non penalty and for Tim Howard to palm away a decent effort from Karl Henry after 65 minutes. We were also treated to a league debut from Adam Forshaw and the first of Jermaine Beckford's Everton hissy fits(theres a stocking filler in the making) when he was taken off on 73 minutes for looking absolutely knackered.

It was dealt with swiftly and as was pointed out when we picked him up for nothing in the summer when his temperament was brought up as a big problem....if there is one fella you want in charge when your players start trying to throw their weight around, its David Moyes, well it isnt like, its probably Alex Ferguson, but you get the point. If anything though, it was nice to see some desire of wanting to stay on the pitch, he strikes you as the type of charecter to be able to do something brilliant one minute but then immediately pack up his kit and go missing the next as he thinks his jobs done.

Keep it going Jermaine, Leeds fans all said you were Pants, but quite clearly you're not just about shit tattoos and narrow shoulders.

Speaking of Pants, sometimes you purchase an item of real quality and feel the need to share it with everybody you know, anyhoo, somebody likened Oiler & Boiler bills and Luis & Juke trollies on the messaged board as like having ''an Angel cupping your balls...'' so obviously i was sold from there and ordered a pair. Sold out of your friend and mines Rockola , when you put these babies on, forget what the previous correspondent said, this is like The Angel Gabriel himself has flown down from heaven and offered to carry your clockweights round free of charge in a wheel barrow made of clouds. 95% cotton, 5% brilliance.Get involved forthwith...

  

Wolves Preview

Its National weekend, the Daily Mail Vultures are circling round Aintree and those beautiful doggarn toffeemen are off down to Wolverhampton to surrender 3 points to Mick McCarthys premiership survival fight.



The game itself represents a similar situation to the Villa game in as much as we've got to negotiate a side and its supporters driven by their very survival in the league and we've all sort of got other plans. T-How is probably collecting the money in training off Jermaine, Marouanne and Victor as we speak for their post season Vegas trip, they've hired a Lear Jet from JLA for 7oclock on the day of the Chelsea home game and shall be fed JaegerBombs and duly fellated over the Atlantic by a string of trolley dollies hand picked by Steve Round(he looks a right one does 'Roundy'). Seamus Coleman and Tony Hibbert however, will be going Sea Angling in Donegal for the weekend.



Wolves sit deep in the mire in 19th, have a good home record and Everton will have to be at their best(sort of) to come away with 3 useless points on Saturday afternoon. Its a minor miracle we sit 7th in the table at the moment given the season we've had, so surely the only thing that would be even a slight reprieve for most Evertonians would be to kick on if they can be arsed and overhaul that horde of shitehawks from across the divide.

Wolves look to welcome back 'Big Fat Gypsy Helmet' Stephen Hunt to the side after injury as well as Michael Mancienne, in fact with Osman pulling the strings for us at the moment, we could well see a Premier league version of Alien versus Predator being played out in Royal Blue and Old Gold.

It'd be quite nice to see the management to show a bit of 'daring do', whatever that is, and blood a few of the youngsters into the side where appropriate in the run in, Maggaye Gueye and the greek chap certainly didnt do their chances any harm against Villa and nobody really gives a flying fig whether we finish above those toads really now anyway. Get Mustafi on as well with his massive Terminator head.

 Vegas or Donegal? Vegas or Donegal?

Back to more pressing matters this weekend. Who really gives a fuck if people want to get dressed up, get ballooned and go enjoy themselves with some mates at a global event on their doorstep? The press and their annual assault on some of the local women is pathetic at best and downright fucking laughable and anti-scouse(not in the parochial kopite sense that is) at worst. Drug use, loose morals and antisocial behaviour are societal problems(nationally) and some of the things said to be seen and linked with Aintree are the norm for any town centre on any given weekend. Moreover, Ascot and Cheltenham will have some similar ludicrous sights down there but nothing is ever highlighted and pithily debated the way things are with Aintree, it just seems tired and childish the whole thing.

Up the toffs, down with The Daily Cock Sucking Mail.

Everton 2 Aston Villa 2 - Match Report

First of all, congratulations are in order to the 2-3000 Villa fans who travelled up the M6 for this rumbustious affair between the two clubs, you really are hands down the biggest gang of trumpeting fucking clowns that have sullied the Bullens rd this season, and by jiminey there has been some competition. Apart from the usual anti scouse bile filled ''we pay your benefits'' insults, it really was quite something to be sat in the park end and behold the sheer volume of NUTS, ZOO and FHM firms, veins protruding out from above their collars, putting us Evertonians in our rightful, pitful little place, m'lord. To think they consider Birmingham to be some sort of idyllic babylonian wonder land just makes it all the harder to fathom.



On a gloriously sunny day the game itself kicked immediately into action, games against Villa at Goodison (in recent seasons anyway) have always had a bit of needle about them and more than the odd goal and this one wasnt about to let that trend slip. Fielding an understrength team and an even madder looking bench, Everton took the lead through Leon Osman, who yet again assumed responsibility on his tiny little shoulders (they must be dead strong though to support that enormous heed). Picking the ball up by the half way line and weaving this way and that he temporarily bamboozled Villa's defence and managed to get his shot away which squirted underneath Brad Friedel. Have that you atrociously behaved gang of excitable awayday bulbs.

Gabriel Agbonlahor and Ashley 'Fucking' Young, can you imagine if the latter signed for you know who one day?...The Old Lady would spontaneously combust in venom if he were to walk out in red, and he will, be it the Liverpool or Manchester United his diseased hateful ideology of the game and how to behave deserves and will be rewarded with an even bigger theatre of twats who will appreciate it. Anyway, these two rather expectedly managed to command the majority of Everton fans ire with a string of dirty challenges, a healthy portion of cryarsing and just a wee smattering of crowd gesticulation. The referee, M Jones from Cheshire (me neither, i just had to check) had an absolute stinker from the off, seemeingly watching his own game and awarding each team a number of questionable decisions to even up his last howler.



Darren Bent scored Villas second half equaliser before some people had even managed to get their half time pint. Stewart Downing, who was causing murder all afternoon down Evertons right hand side, whipped in a real peach of a cross which was poked home emphatically by Darren Bent. Houla Hoop could barely contain his delight, all that was missing was Phil Thompson grinning wildly behind him.

 Then in a bizarre passage of play which was indicative of the whole games pinball type nature, Jermaine Beckford continuosly making excellent runs alone up front, was played through one on one and slashed a sort of half volley on the underside of the bar, at the time it seemed like only him and maybe one or two other Everton players had got onto it, their certainly wasnt a huge crowd appeal for it, in truth it was hit so cleanly and fast it was too hard to tell. Now in theory it meant shite-all anyway as the ref and his linesman missed it and were probably trying to make up for some other half arsed wrong decision they had made previously. But in the blink of an eye, it actually did mean something as Villa steamed right up the other end at pace, Tim Howard suffering from one of his weird indecisive games, began running towards the Villa attack like a drunk 30 something mum who's just realised she's left her iPhone in a cab, Darren Bent then cooly stroked it home and smiled like a snidey midnight cab driver with ebay pound signs in his eyes. Not looking good.....M'LORD.

Credit to the Everton players, who have been accused of having one eye on their jolly holidays before today, they pushed and probed and eventually got their rewards. Magaye Gueye in particular showed real glimpses of why Moyes deemed him worthy of an actual real life transfer fee last summer, they are few and far between these days after all. He is raw but showed a real willing ability to run at players and try and take the game to the opposition and in turn lifting the home fans. What worries you a bit though is Moyes complete reluctance to use him thus far, Bilyaletdinov technically has something about him and gets the nod ahead of him, but still just seems to look completely unable to get to grips with things. Its as if someone has just plucked a ruddy cheeked kid out of Russia and plonked him thousands of miles from home and he's just like ''holy shit....where am i?''. Actually, that is exactly what has happened. Moyes needs to show the courage of his convictions and play the bargain ahead of the hopeful and begin to trust his players more. We'll leave Velios till another day eh, for now lets leave it at ''big lad-weird run-who knows''.



Phil Jagielka with not long left, sneakily won us the penalty that the ever flawless Leighton Baines duly dispatched for the Everton equaliser, 10 million by the way...How does get to fucking fuck sound?. On reflection, given the side we put out a point doesnt look too bad and was probably the right result, but in truth it was hard not to feel aggrieved given the amount of chances we had to get in front at the right times and the fact that Villa were fighting for their lives and were basically fighting for thin air.


Up the Toffees.

Aston Villa Preview

Ey Oop Skip! Aston Villa and/or Gerard Houllier depending on who you listen to, come to town this weekend sitting a point above the relegation places and scrapping for their Premiership survival. Some twerp named 'Dale', 'Scott' or possibly even 'Lee' or 'Dean' turned his Burberry cap backwards, was careful not to trip over his three quarter length parka and unfurled an encouraging bed sheet over The Holte End, letting the frenchman know exactly what he thought of his reign thus far. Especially after their so called lesser midland rivals came and embaressed them so easily with a Mick McCarthy inspired lesson in football. He loves a good banner does arrr Ged:
 

It's weird actually, previous to Villa when Houla Hoop was managing the shite, some of the 24 carrot gold corkers he came out with regularly never ceased to amaze you. Robbie Fowlers ''eating grass immitating Rigobert Song'' being the obvious stand out jewel in that particular borderline racist crown. It's further proof that managing that shower of twats for a prolonged period of time turns you into an inept, delusional, gibbering mentalist. Apart from that though, it was quite something to realise that after the waterfall of diaorrhea that flowed from Houlliers piehole, the world and Evertonians in particular then had to deal with a veritable Tsunami of Turd from his big fat ungracious successor.  The below formula theorises further on this...

  +   =  ?

Lets be honest, its difficult to like Villa at the best of times with their Glory Pig, lording it over the rest of the midlands, snooty European Cup stance their fans like to take(sound familiar?), but since Houllier's been in charge of them, you have to say he's been far more Woy than Waffa in his managerial outpourings. He must have mellowed, the daft arl get. Its hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem has been since he arrived at Villa park in the summer. All ex kopite abuse aside, his mangerial record of six shiny pots in professional football cant mask a complete lack of tactical know-how, can it? He surely has something about him, doesnt he? Didnt he also teach in Allsop High School in Liverpool at one stage? How does that happen? So many questions...he's a big gallic conundrum with a Beret on and Onions round his neck is Ged.

     
   (scousest looking player alive)           (Emporor of Snide)    (should star in The Cosby Show)

Ultimately, after the ever forgettable win over Fulham taking us to that mythical holy grail of 40 points, Villa have far more to play for than Everton this weekend and with their pacy strikeforce and an impressive recent record at Goodison, this has the potential to be added to an ever growing gallery of utter shockers we've conjured up this season at home. How many of our players must now be casting envious glances at Louis Saha and his ascersion that ''it's highly likely he wont play again this season...''? They absolutely cannot wait to get their Havianas on, all of them.

Darren Bent (who was offered to us for frig all whilst Joe Royle was at Ipswich) continues to bang them in for club and country and frustrate the living shite out of every Evertonian, imagining him fitting perfectly into Moyes much preferred one up front style of play for the last decade. Saying that, we'd of sold him to City for 20 million sovs in 2005, so it makes no odds really.

Everton have Coleman and Rodwell as doubts and are still missing the long term casualties of the last few weeks. Tim Cahill should be fit though and he loves playing these. Tony Hibbert also celebrates ten years of 'playing' for the blues this weekend. Whilst never being his biggest fan, his performance versus Fulham was excellent (particularly his two blockbuster tackles) so he will almost definitely start. It is testament to a lad who's always ran through brick walls for the club that he's still about competeing after ten years service. Remember him sat alongside Rooney politely at that table all those years ago signing a contract extension? Talk about polar opposites in terms of their respective private lives and treatment of their boyhood team, not to mention football ability. Expect ludcirous amounts of cash being lumped on him again to slot.



Go on Tone, it'll make this whole shitstorm of a season worth it. Up the Toffs...